5-Year-Old Descendant of Davy Crockett Kills Bear

Last night I caught wind of that rather unusual headline on ESPN's frontpage. Whether it was just a slow sports news day or the editors really felt this should be celebrated, I do not know, but I clicked on the story anyway.

Maybe it's because I recently watched the most vile (not viral) internet video of all time, "Shake That Bear", but I don't think this story wasn't handled with a lot of grace.

Little Tre Merritt, 5!!!, was out hunting with his grandfather when a black bear "happened upon their stand."

"I was up in the stand and I seen the bear," Tre Merritt said. "It came from the thicket and it was beside the road and I shot it."

Tre seen that bear and done killed it. And boy was his "paw-paw" ever proud. After all, it's entirely relevant to know that this was no small bear.

The bear turned out to be 445 pounds — 12 times the weight of Tre. Mike Merritt said tears rolled down his cheeks when he found out his grandson killed the enormous bear.

Tears? If Jesus' cure cancer, I think Mr. Merritt's probably cause it.

And yes, Tre is the super-great-grandson of Davy Crockett, who paw-paw reckons probably didn't really kill a bear when he was three like legend tells us. This makes Tre's murder all the more kick ass! Because if Tre actually killed a bear as a kindergartner, what's in store for the rest of his life? Certainly he'll have a signature cap. At the very least, he'll be a lifelong responsible gun-owner. But I see bigger things, possibly a presidential future. I can see the attack ads now:

"George Washington chopped down a cherry tree? Fag. Tre Merritt killed a fucking bear."

In the immediate future, Trey wants to kill a turkey, his neighbor's dog and read The Most Dangerous Game for inspiration.

Make sure to watch the local news video to get a feel for these Crocket descendants and the Little Rock newscasters who are equally proud of the young man's accomplishment.

For some reason I'm not as impressed. Maybe if the bear was pregnant...

EDIT: CNN has picked up the story. Video here.

Gentrifying the Internet - Chuck Norris

Hello again.

When I first read Chuck Norris Facts, I was amused. The year was 1988 and I was amused by almost anything. Thundercats, in particular.

While I played make-belive as Tygra and acted like a piece of loose string was a bolo-whip for years, the Norris facts didn't have much staying power with me. But, of course, they continued to run rampant on the Internet.

It was fine, it was good. It was for kids a little younger than me.

I didn't realize it was also for adults a little older than me until Chuck appeared and read some of the facts on the fraudulently-titled "Best Damn Sports Show Period". No big deal, right? Anything that's popular on the Internet eventually makes its way to a mainstream medium, although I might argue that Chuck Norris facts had already made it to a mainstream audience.

It was fine, though.

Next was the true mark that an Internet joke is dead: a Family Guy appearance. (See "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" for more proof of how FG steals from the web. Or watch any current episode.)

Still, it was fine. No big deal. This wasn't Norris-endorsed; just an ill-conceived joke that might have been funny months earlier when it was written and wasn't relevant by the time it aired.

When I first read the facts, I especially liked, "There is no theory of evolution. Only creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live."

In 2006, after these two television appearances, Chuck decided to write a response about his rediscovered relevance on everyone's favorite evangelical homepage, World Net Daily.

It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

Wow. He adds this nugget:

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases - sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Who knew Chuck was such a Jesus-freak? Also, Jesus' tears could cure cancer?

I suppose it's still fine, though. He's simply talking about what he believes in. Can't fault him for that.

But then earlier this year, the ad executives, vanguards in the field of monetizing web comedy, got wind of someone who was making waves in all the right young male demographics. And you know what else young males like? Mountain Dew.



Um, Chuck? He probably donated the money he made from that to Christian charities, but I still find it problematic that one minute he's using his celebrity to preach Christianity and the next minute using it to hawk testicle-shrinking soda pop.

But it gets much worse. Today, Derekh sent me a link to this wonderful video called HuckChuckFacts:



It's not funny. It's not informative. I don't know who it appeals to. Children? Even if they could vote, they wouldn't be receptive to Huckabee's politics. Talk about a worthless endorsement. Talk about a complete bastardization of the Internet from start to finish.

What started out as a pretty funny concept that a specific community of people embraced got sold over and over again to every audience that could be found. Young people, sports fans, Christians, extreme-sports enthusiasts (Dewers), gun-toting lunatics. Worst of all, it was never used cleverly. There was never an interesting spin put on it. Marketers, writers and politicians simply took what was on the Internet and reproduced it to sell a product, a show, or themselves.

In protest, I'm not drinking Mountain Dew, not voting for Mike Huckabee and not ever believing in God again.

Side Notes:

Ron Paul fans have caught on to the craze. check out Ron Paul Facts. But where are the Barack Obama facts?

I'll start:

Barack Obama is George Costanza's only black friend.

Your turn.

Moving...

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, but there is some good news.

Scattershot is moving to AZNightBuzz!

I should start posting there in the next week, so I will let you know when that happens.



This really is quite funny...

Joanna Newsom tonight!

Chris Rock predicts future

I haven't posted anything about O.J. Simpson, because there's not much left to say about that or the Michael Richards fiasco. But I will post this video from a 1997 episode of The Chris Rock Show. Make sure to watch the end for the Nostradamus moment.

Mr. Manager gets his own show

Michael Cera, best known for his role as George Michael Bluth in Arrested Development and his work in indie rock band The Long Goodbye, will be getting his own show, on the CBS broadband channel Innertube.

The show will be web-only, and is the first of its kind for CBS. It will be shot mockumentary style with Michael and friend Clark Duke (who is also in The Long Goodbye) playing television producers. They're calling it "The Good Life", maybe because they're huge Weezer fans, and the episodes will be a few minutes long.

I imagine the show will look something like this:


You can find some more comedy from the Clark and Michael team at their MySpace page.

UPDATE: Apparently, the show will simply be called "Clark and Michael" instead of "The Good Life", and will follow the two as they try to sell a pilot script. Hopefully, we'll get to see an episode soon.

Surfing the net

I spend so much time on the Internet, I'm amazed that there are still essential sites out there that I am just coming across.

Two new sites I've recently discovered I can't live without are Pawky and Fimoculous.

Fimoculous is just a good quality catch-all blog for music, film, tv and misc., but I love it because of the compilation of year-end lists. It's getting to be that time of the season, and I can't wait to roll my eyes about bloggers' buzzed out lists, which started with Information Leafblower's Top 40 Bands in America. (Sure, Girl Talk is the 36th best band in America.)

Pawky is downright awesome. For those who are sick of wading through YouTube to find any semblance of quality, Pawky is the answer -- a video site that highlights award-winning short films. Actual filmmakers can submit films and if the powers-that-be deem it worthy, the site will give it a featured spot. Sure, users could still upload crap or stuff from TV, but it won't be lauded by the more discernable audience that Pawky attracts. I've found that even the user-uploaded videos are pretty cool.

So, yeah. Check out these sites. Also, tell me about some more cool spots, because I've got 16 waking hours to fill.

Brits agree! Ys is "astonishing"!

Two Joanna Newsom posts in a row? Yes.

Newsom's Ys is racking up rave reviews from pretty much every media outlet. In fact, the only bad review I found was from Rolling Stone, which gave Ys two stars out of five, called it an EP and said her voice makes Bjork sound like Kelly Clarkson. Normally I would be frustrated with reviewer Christian Hoard and chastise him for naming Brad Paisley's "Alcohol" his favorite single of 2005. But I'd rather Joanna not get the Rolling Stone audience.

Curiously, the three British reviews I read all called the album "astonishing," which I guess must be a very popular word over there.

From the BBC: "The orchestra compliment without intruding on Newsom's harp and astonishing range of melody..."

From Uncut: "Uncut’s editor compares "Ys" to Nico’s "Marble Index", for its astonishing single-mindedness..."

From the Guardian: "The lyric book goes on and on like the Gobi Desert. It may well be the most off-putting album released this year. After playing it, there seems every chance it is the also the most astonishing."

If this album weren't so blatantly astonishing, I'd call plagiarism.

Songs: Peach, Plum, Pear

I think it's natural to get upset when a band you love during their relative anonymity becomes wildly popular. Zack Braff didn't make the Shins' music any worse, and they were already extremely popular, but he contaminated them by feeding them to the masses. I know it's immature, but I want to keep artists I love to myself. Or at least to people that I respect. When you see the Shins listed next to Audioslave on MySpace profiles, it's hard to only hear the music.

There's a chance that I'll get to keep Joanna Newsom, although she's already quite popular and her new brilliant album, Ys, is only going to make her more-so. Her voice, which is inexplicably called annoying, yelping, screeching and other expletives in any mention of her work, will assure me that not everyone will embrace her. Thus, I can continue to stand on high and look down on the masses who don't understand what I see as a singular, mesmerizing voice that may be alien, but is clearly part of a more advanced species than you or I.

The first time I heard the The Milk-Eyed Mender, "Peach, Plum, Pear" startled me. I stopped progressing on the album and listened to the song again. There aren't many songs out there capable of giving me chills, but this one did the first 100 times I heard it.

The rest of the album is great, but this song stands out for so many reasons. A new instrument, an electric harp, instructs you to listen. It sounds like a song from the future, from an instrument I've never heard and a voice I could never imagine. And then the voice magnifies itself at certain points, the song ascending to terrifying new heights.

It's at these points where the song becomes something I'll never get over. Doubletracking vocals is nice, but Newsom quadruple (or more) tracks to make the climax that much more intense.

For many people that annoying, yelping voice X 4 will be only that more unbearable. For me, it's transcendent.

And I am blue, I am blue and unwell.


Joanna Newsom - Peach, Plum, Pear

Final Fantasy - Peach, Plum, Pear

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man comes out tomorrow on DVD, and, unfortunately, I can't really say it's worth buying or renting.

The problem is there's only one performance from Leonard, and this isn't rectified in the DVD special features. Sure, Rufus Wainwright's "Chelsea Hotel #2" (possibly my favorite Leonard song) is nice, but then you've got to traverse through loads of Bono and The Edge rubbish to get to anything else worthwhile.

Instead, try YouTube for all your Leonard viewing needs.

Here's a classic live performance of Chelsea at Carnegie Hall, and here's Rufus doing it. For good measure, here's an ugly girl with a lisp doing it.

But this is the crown jewel of all things Leonard on YouTube, and it just popped up a couple days ago. Notice the amazing clothing on the choir, and the way Leonard so casually turns up to them, with hands in pocket.

Election day

Vote baby!

Awesome "Ironic" Tee Idea

This poor dude, who has an innocent enough impulse to expose himself to young girls, was ordered by a Delaware judge to wear a new work uniform consisting of a T-shirt with the catchy phrase "I am a registered sex offender" on the front.

I'm sure this guy's business will go down in flames if he's standing out front welcoming families with his happy new shirt, unless he capitalizes on it and starts a new business. Sell this shit to BustedTees or put a Adobe Illustrated penis on it and sell it to Threadless! Not only will he make some extra cash from frat boys, but the market will be so flooded with these shirts that no one will be able to tell who's a real sex offender. So not only can he can continue his gardening business, but he can continue exposing himself any chance he gets.

Because what's the judge gonna do next time, make him wear a hat? That's only going to help him expand his business.





I really want this I 'heart' Lamp shirt.

Scatter-Shot at CMJ

Red Hot Chili Peppers at Northsix

I was walking by Northsix in Williamsburg last night around 3 a.m., coming home from the Annuals show (all hype, fyi), when I heard some monster bass lines making their way out to the street. I walked up to the unguarded door and peeked inside. About 20 people were standing around trying to look bored, but there were five onstage looking anything but.

The Red Hot Fucking Chili Peppers baby! Booyah!

They opened up with "Give it Away" and got the crowd, or at least me, really into an awesome rock mood.

The highlight of the show was when Anthony sent the band offstage, took an acoustic guitar and played a more spectacular version of "Under the Bridge" than I even thought was possible, and this is coming from a guy who has seen RHCP at least a dozen times. It was both earth-shattering and heart-shattering, which makes sense because those words use the same letters.

If I had to use any letters to describe the show it would be L-O-V-E. You guys have got to check out the latest RHCP, Californication. Hit after hit after #1 hit.

This is my favorite part of CMJ, when I catch a secret show from a band I don't expect to see. Last year it was Elton John, but this year was better.

Here's some video I caught of the show with my phone camera:

Worst Website Ever

I hate having to use the grossly overplayed Comic Book Guy reference, but I really did find the worst website ever. And while I know this template blogger page isn't anything to brag about, at least I didn't try to make my own like Iris Lord.

I was watching music videos in the YouTube Underground contest, and came across one called "Screentest" for an experimental jazz singer named Iris Lord. I thought the video was pretty cool, so I checked her website to see who the fuck this crazy chick was.

At irislord.com, it's quite difficult to find out anything about the artist because of the red text on yellow background. You can click on what looks to be album covers, and that will take you to smaller pictures of the album. And then there's the page with her bio I found after half an hour, where you might absorb some info if you've got a couple hours to read a big block of text.

Simply terrible. Please check it out and click around a bit. And tell me about the worst website you've come across. Now there are over 100 million of them, so I'm sure there are some even worse than Iris Lord's.

Diary of a Werewolf

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about competing in the 48 Hour Film Contest, and now I present you with the video that my team, the Sparkle Kids, created.

On Friday, there was a screening and awards ceremony for all the entries, and we ended up winning four awards, including Best Film. Because of that, we had the great privilege of appearing on the local morning zoo radio show on KFMA, where I proceeded to hog the mic and try to get someone listening to offer me a new job.

Anyway, here's the film. It's called "Diary of a Werewolf" - which seems appropriate for this Halloween day.



We had to use a prop (pumpkin), a line of dialogue ("I don't know, I'm not a dentist.") and a character (Bob Johnson), and make the film in a specific genre (horror).

You can check out some other films from the contest here.

"Gravity" Music Video

The good people over at Glitterfish have finished their music video for L.A. band She's Your Sister.

The song, "Gravity," off their debut album In Between is pretty good, and the video is great.

Produced by Andy Martinez and directed by Jonny Pulley, the video utilizes still images to tell the band's origin story.

Watch the video here, and then log in to vote for it in the very cool YouTube Underground Contest.

Top 5 Best Origin Stories:
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4. Batman
3. She's Your Sister
2. Spider-Man
1. Earth (Thanks God!)

Top 1 Worst Origin Story:
1. Darth Vader

There's no such thing as a free lunch

I don't really understand how this hasn't been stopped, but you can watch a bunch of television shows online at this website without having to download anything.

From animated classics like Family Guy and The Simpsons, to shows that iTunes is trying to get us to download like LOST and The Office. Plus Kenan and Kel.

You'd think the networks could shut down this website, but I guess they haven't caught on to it yet.

Also, here's a good torrent for the new Shins album, if you haven't grabbed it yet.

UPDATE: Now the website doesn't work. Remember the no free lunch thing... You can still get loads of episodes at www.dailymotion.com, you'll just have to search for them.

A trip down Nostalgia Lane #1

I loved going to the video store as a child. The one in the shopping center right by my house had a great cartoon selection, with classics like Thundercats and Silverhawks.

I would rent the same tapes over and over again, but my most-rented video was, without question, Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, an anti-drug PSA from 1990 featuring every cartoon character worth a damn working together to get a teen off drugs. The Smurfs, the Ninja Turtles, Alf, Garfield, the Chipmunks, Winnie the Pooh, Bugs Bunny. The list goes on and on.

I certainly didn't rent it because of the message, but for the sensory overload of seeing all my favorites interacting on screen.

Thanks to YouTube, I can finally see the half-hour video again. (I tried multiple times to get it on ebay, but didn't want to pay more than $20.)

The video is at turns hilarious (the first line is "Morning already? I was smurfing like a baby.") and absurd (George Sr. and Barbara Bush introduce the film, and nerdy Simon explains to the others about, "marijuana, an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.").

Simply put, this is choice viewing whether you watched it as a kid or not.

Scatter-Shot #2

Gripe of the Week: I used to only hate the St. Louis Cardinals because they're in the same division as my consistently awful Cincy Reds, but now I've got a better reason. Scott Spiezio, the one-time steroid pumper who now looks like he might have trouble lifting up the syringe, is sporting a gross soul patch, dyed Cardinal red. Seriously, Douchey McSpiez? What are you thinking? I'd rather see you with a bright red mullet. I hope you guys get swept.

Quoteworthy: "Emo is bullshit. If people want to take it for the literal sense of the word, yes, we're an emotional band, we put a lot of thought into what we do. People always try to stereotype us, but we don't fit the emo stereotype," Brendon Urle, lead singer of Panic! at the Disco. I'm not sure what is more obviously false, that they're not emo, or that they put a lot of thought into what they do.

Newsworthy: Shrek is being transformed into a Broadway musical, set to premiere on the stage in 2008. We can only hope that it will last beyond '08 though, and overtake Cats as the longest running Broadway show. Make sure to see it multiple times, because fart jokes, especially in song, get even funnier the second and third times around.

Watch: New Michel Gondry-directed Beck video. Of course it's awesome.



Read: I wouldn't normally post about this, because I already did yesterday, but I'm just so happy that teen columnist Jessica Mendibles let us in on the little secret that, "God exists." It looks like I scooped you, Matt Drudge.

Listen: You Ain't No Picasso had a new track from the forthcoming Shins album, but the stooges over at SubPop must have put an end to that. Damn, I was ready to get my life changed again (I will never get tired of Shins-Garden State jokes). Still check out the post for a Shins cover of a Magnetic Fields song.

Teen Columnist Proves Existence of God!

Everyone can stop debating this bullshit. Yes, there is a God. Teen columnist for the Tucson Citizen Jessica Mendibles proved it. "God exists," Jessica writes in the opinion section of Tuesday's paper.

Not convinced? Well, she'll fucking prove it again for you. Goddamn heathens...

"My answer to those who question the presence of God is: Yes, God is real..."

She refutes evolution as well. And no, she doesn't have any fucking evidence. She doesn't need any. It's about faith, dummy.

Why was more than 500 words devoted to this in a supposedly unbiased paper in a mostly liberal city? I have no idea.

Please comment on this column over at the Citizen website. If not because you're appalled that this was printed, then because Mendibles is such an incredible last name. Just say it. Mendibles. Ha. Rolls of the tongue.