Gentrifying the Internet - Chuck Norris

Hello again.

When I first read Chuck Norris Facts, I was amused. The year was 1988 and I was amused by almost anything. Thundercats, in particular.

While I played make-belive as Tygra and acted like a piece of loose string was a bolo-whip for years, the Norris facts didn't have much staying power with me. But, of course, they continued to run rampant on the Internet.

It was fine, it was good. It was for kids a little younger than me.

I didn't realize it was also for adults a little older than me until Chuck appeared and read some of the facts on the fraudulently-titled "Best Damn Sports Show Period". No big deal, right? Anything that's popular on the Internet eventually makes its way to a mainstream medium, although I might argue that Chuck Norris facts had already made it to a mainstream audience.

It was fine, though.

Next was the true mark that an Internet joke is dead: a Family Guy appearance. (See "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" for more proof of how FG steals from the web. Or watch any current episode.)

Still, it was fine. No big deal. This wasn't Norris-endorsed; just an ill-conceived joke that might have been funny months earlier when it was written and wasn't relevant by the time it aired.

When I first read the facts, I especially liked, "There is no theory of evolution. Only creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live."

In 2006, after these two television appearances, Chuck decided to write a response about his rediscovered relevance on everyone's favorite evangelical homepage, World Net Daily.

It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

Wow. He adds this nugget:

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases - sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Who knew Chuck was such a Jesus-freak? Also, Jesus' tears could cure cancer?

I suppose it's still fine, though. He's simply talking about what he believes in. Can't fault him for that.

But then earlier this year, the ad executives, vanguards in the field of monetizing web comedy, got wind of someone who was making waves in all the right young male demographics. And you know what else young males like? Mountain Dew.



Um, Chuck? He probably donated the money he made from that to Christian charities, but I still find it problematic that one minute he's using his celebrity to preach Christianity and the next minute using it to hawk testicle-shrinking soda pop.

But it gets much worse. Today, Derekh sent me a link to this wonderful video called HuckChuckFacts:



It's not funny. It's not informative. I don't know who it appeals to. Children? Even if they could vote, they wouldn't be receptive to Huckabee's politics. Talk about a worthless endorsement. Talk about a complete bastardization of the Internet from start to finish.

What started out as a pretty funny concept that a specific community of people embraced got sold over and over again to every audience that could be found. Young people, sports fans, Christians, extreme-sports enthusiasts (Dewers), gun-toting lunatics. Worst of all, it was never used cleverly. There was never an interesting spin put on it. Marketers, writers and politicians simply took what was on the Internet and reproduced it to sell a product, a show, or themselves.

In protest, I'm not drinking Mountain Dew, not voting for Mike Huckabee and not ever believing in God again.

Side Notes:

Ron Paul fans have caught on to the craze. check out Ron Paul Facts. But where are the Barack Obama facts?

I'll start:

Barack Obama is George Costanza's only black friend.

Your turn.