Pumped-Up Artists

As I sat chomping a bowl of Frosted Mini Spooners and making the morning Web stops, my world came crashing down.

We've known that the NBA has referees for sale. Baseball is forever tainted. Even tennis is no longer pure, with Martina Hingis getting busted for cocaine.

But this? This headline was too much for even jaded ol' Nate to handle.

Extra! Extra!

"Report: Entertainers in Steroid Report"

Yes, it's funny that "Report' is used twice in the headline, but let's get past that. The real meat of this story is that Mary J. Blige, Wyclef Jean, 50 Cent, Timbaland and Tyler Perry may have received and used "performance-enhancing" drugs.

Take a second to let that sink in. "In Da Club" still feel legitimate to you?

If Timbaland's involved, does that mean we have to wonder about JT? Are we going to have to put an asterisk next to the Number 1 ranking for "My Love" on Pitchfork Media's Top 100 Tracks of 2006?

Can we laugh at Perry's "Madea" anymore, with the chance that his portrayal of a fat old woman was only convincing because he'd been popping estrogen?

And as for 50 Cent? It's refreshing to know that Kanye's name has never been associated with any of this junk, and he can still outsell 50 any day of the week.

Obviously Blige being a 'roider comes as no surprise, even though she's denied the allegations in song, but Wyclef always seemed like an honest guy.

In times like these, it's best to take a step back and remember there are good and honest celebrity entertainers out there. Apparently, the white ones. But more and more singers, dancers, comedy actors, film directors and socialites are bound to be named in this ongoing scandal.

There have already been whispers about Soulja Boy's "super-soaking" of Hos being tainted.

Damn, I have like 100 more jokes but this has to end some time.